Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sarah's Still Fat

It's astounding, actually.  If there was some reward for who has kept a blog about her weight for any length of time (*cough* almost 3 years *cough*) without losing any measurable weight to show for it, I would SO be all over that award.   My acceptance speech would give all the credit to my faltering will-power and my penchant for emotional eating (and by emotional, make no mistake, I mean ANY and ALL emotions).  I guess, as far as awards go, it would be lame, but like Monica on Friends wanting to be the person who gives "the best bad massages," at least I could say I'd accomplished something.

When we moved to the Land of the Skinny and Surgically Perfected,  I told myself I'd be healthier, eat better, get in shape.  Instead I lost and gained the same 9 pounds AGAIN.  Using, "well, maybe I'll be pregnant next month and then I'll just have to lose all this weight again in nine months anyway" as an excuse, however lame (and believe me, I know exactly how lame).  Well, thirteen months of me saying that have come and gone (more, actually, if you count the few months we tried before moving out here) and while I thankfully haven't jumped above the weight I was when we first arrived here, I've not successfully or sustainably shaken any of the weight. 

One thing I learned by attending BlogHer last month has changed a lot about how I view my life.  I found out BlogHer'09 was in Chicago way back last February.  Having been blogging for three years at that point, I really wanted to attend, but was wary to make definite plans because, well, "WHAT IF I bought the tickets, booked the hotel and the flight and then POOF! magically I got pregnant and had to be on bedrest and couldn't attend?"  What a waste of money that would have been!  So I delayed making plans, waiting until it was clear that I would not be knocked up in July (whoopie!).   And BlogHer'09 sold out.  I still went, but I was a total Blanche DuBois, relying on the kindness of strangers to house me (thanks Amy, Sarah and Becca!) and give me their conference passes when they had to leave (Sarah, you are the best).  I was a total BlogHer mooch this time around because I so desperately wanted to attend, but so much more desperately wanted to believe I'd be pregnant that I put my life on hold.  

I'm done with that.  Not trying to get pregnant, no.  The longer we try, the more I wonder how I will ever come to a point where I am done with that.  But I'm done with living my life around it, making my plans (or not making them as the case may be) around the off-chance that perhaps one month my girly bits will actually remember what THEY ARE FUCKING THERE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE (I'm not bitter. nope), and maybe I'll be gestating.  

So the first order of business is to rewire my brain to stop telling myself it's okay to weigh 165 lbs because "I'll just have to lose it all again after I have another baby anyway."  Believe me, I know how stupid that sounds on so many different levels.  It's amazing what I can rationalize when staring down the creamy deliciousness of a piece of cheesecake (not that I often even eat cheesecake, but whatever).

Second order of business is to work my way back out of the habit of emotional eating.  When I was taking pictures of everything I ate, I felt so much more in control of that.  It was such a riggamaroll to get the camera, take the picture, off-load the picture from camera to computer, then download the picture to the blog that really, emotional eating lost all of it's appeal because the only thing I am MORE than an emotional eater?  Is lazy.    So it's back to pictures for me.  Even if I am eating crap, I eat less of it when I know I'm holding myself visually accountable to the entire blogosphere (read: the two people who read this blog).  

Third order of business is to get moving again.  This will be a bit harder because now that we're moving out of Los Angeles, I am spending most of my time cleaning, packing and organizing instead of at the gym when Ethan is in school.  And Husband, on the heels of his old job and leading into his new one, is burning all kinds of candles at every end possible, so going to the gym in the evenings isn't going to be an option.   But I'll figure it out---we have FitTV; I'm DVR'ing some yoga shows and Ethan would like nothing better than if I bust out a couple cans of diced tomatoes for him to use as weights for the 30-Day Shred.  So fine.  Moving more will happen.  I did indeed walk 3 miles today---granted it was to a frozen yogurt place, but I only got a little and it was a bazillion degrees out, so I probably sweated out most of the calories....right?  (note to self: STOP rationalizing!!!!) 

Fourth order of business: no promises.  I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to lose 10lbs before we move to the Bay Area, or that I'm going to post every single day, every single thing I ate.  I'm just going to do what I can do, do my best and that will hopefully bring results.  When I make a promise to myself about losing X number of pounds by a certain date of event, I usually start out great, but as the deadline draws near, if the intended result isn't obtainable, I just give up--let it all fall apart, throw my hands up and say, "well, I won't lose 20lbs in time for that wedding now after all, so I may as well treat myself to that pint of Ben and Jerry's."  

Aside from all these things that I think will help me, the blogging/writing community is a huge element of it as well.   When I started this blog, I'd never read any other weight-loss or healthy lifestyle blogs.  I'd never read Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein, or Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.  I just felt like a very lonely chubby girl out here in the blogosphere.  I spent a LOT of time fretting about going to BlogHer at my current weight.  I really wanted pictures of myself with my new friends, pictures of me out having fun, as a woman in my own right, not *just* someone's mom (albeit the most wonderful someone ever).  But I shuddered at the idea of what I'd look like in those pictures.  I thought about "forgetting" my camera.  But in the long run, I'm glad I brought the camera and have the pictures, elephantine arms and all.  

This blog, the other blogs I've discovered along the way, and amazingly, my failures to lose the weight thus far, have helped me realize that I am not alone in this, nor is it a black-mark on my worth to struggle with my weight.  It's just part of who I am right now.  But it doesn't always have to be.  


BettyLou said...

How much do I love you right now? You sound EXACTLY like me which isn't good news for you because I have also gained and lost and gained the same 10 pounds several times since my 2yo was born. I also fretted and planned and failed to lose weight prior to BlogHer where you and I didn't exactly meet. You don't recognize my face or my name? That's because this is my secret alter ego (in case you weren't sure). I fear that if my coworkers knew about this blog I would fall over and die of embarassment.

Anyway, you're not alone. I don't know if that's helpful, but it's a fact. And thanks for your post. I love the taking pictures of what you eat idea. Think I might have to borrow it to get my lame self on track... again.

Also, you now have 3 people following this blog!

lonek8 said...

person #2 here (haha), and I want to say I love all of your plans. Know that I am right there with you on the rationalizing and not meeting goals and giving up and emotional eating (happy/unhappy/confused = cake!). but I'm starting a new chapter in my life, so it's time to adopt new habits. I'll be working right along side you, and cheering your efforts on the whole way. as an aside, I saw some of your BlogHer pics and you looked beautiful! Can't wait to get one of us together next year!