Sunday, December 02, 2007

Two Steps Forwards, or Lighter,

as the case may be. Today when I stepped on the scale, I was at 162. That's 2 lbs down from the last time I stepped on the scale (maybe a day ago?). Normally, one would be thrilled at a 2lb loss, wouldn't they? Sure. Not me.

It's not that I'm greedy and need to a bigger number of shed pounds. It's that I know the next time I step on the scale, it could say 165 or even higher. Even if I step on the scale 45 minutes from now, it won't say the same thing. It never does. My body weight fluctuates 3-5 lbs by the minute. So while I rarely see anything above 164 these days, I often see readings between 161 and 164. They all mean I really weigh 164. Not much point in getting excited about anything that doesn't mark a distinct 5lb difference.

Sigh. I know, I know. "Fat Sarah, you aren't supposed to get on the scale more than once a week!" Clearly, anonymous voice trying to speak sense, you just don't know me. I have a tendency to obsess and I am, sadly, all about instant gratification. If I want to make a particular purchase, I must do it immediately. I can go months without getting my hair cut, but the minute I decide it's time for a trim (or a radical new 'do), I must get my ass to the salon that day. So it is difficult for me to ponder my weight and then convince myself to wait until next week to find out what it is. It's just not happening.

So I step on the scale often; sometimes 2-3 times a day (*hanging head in shame*). I know it's not right, but it's who I am and it's actually made this process easier to deal with to just accept that. Before, when I was a closet-weigher, I not only felt guilty about my weight, but also the fact that I was constantly on the scale. Now that I've given in to that part of my nature, it's easier to see the numbers, refocus my intentions and not beat myself up over the fact that I need to see the numerical proof that I am indeed, a bit of a tubber. I've actually found myself, (and I don't honestly know if this is healthy or not) curbing a craving for mindless chomping by running up the stairs, stepping on the scale and coming back to reality when the digits appear. Again, I'm not sure if it's the healthiest way to go about it, but hey, at least I ran up the stairs, right?

But it is Sunday, and that's only a 1-weigh a day-er. So it's nice that I at least have the image of a 2-lb weight loss in my mind for the rest of the day, even if I know it isn't a number I can rely on to be there for me tomorrow.

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