Sarah's Chocolate Cessation Program

You know how there are all these smoking cessation programs for people addicted to nicotine? There are so many different makes and models, from 12-step programs, to gums, to hypnosis. I remember back in the day (not that I ever smoked) there was a philosophy that if you smoked a lot more than you were used to, it would make you so sick that you'd never want to see another cigarette again, thereby breaking the addiction and habit. I definitely had friends who were subjected to that "method" when their parents found a pack hidden in their coat pocket or under their bed. Well, apparently today I create and completed my own "stop eating chocolate" program based loosely around that idea, and I'm fairly certain it's going to "take".

It started last night. I read somewhere about the supposed miracle that is "No Pudge" Brownies. Just the fat-free mix, some fat-free vanilla yogurt and 34 minutes in the oven and SHAZZAM! fudgy, fat-free goodness. It sounds sooooooo good. Except for two things: 1.) When undercooked, even a little bit, "no pudge" turns into "no budge" and the mix and yogurt somehow turn to a chocolaty brick that won't come out of the pan, and 2.) yes, they are fat-free, but they contain eleventy-billion grams of carbohydrates, so unless you're going to eat them while jogging on a treadmill, you may as well inject some butter into your thighs--same difference.

Husband and I did end up eating far too many of them considering I said several times, "These are so NOT worth the calories" as I chewed, and chewed, and chewed, trying to get them to dissolve a bit in my mouth so I could swallow them. But this morning I ended up scraping the rest of them out of the pan and into the trash because I felt like I had to take a stand against the calorie-riddled monster sitting on my stove, beckoning me from bed (and yes, I had one before I threw them away, sue me).

So take a stand I did. Aaaaand then I went shopping at Trader Joe's where I sampled the French chocolate truffles. Three times. Um. How's that for conviction. At least those pieces of chocolate were worth the price I will have to pay for having eaten them, let me tell you. Deliriously delicious, my friends, that's all I can say about that.

As if that were not enough chocolate for my poor stomach to digest, I then had three (okay, four) peppermint chocolate oreos at our play group holiday party. Dear god, they were delicious.

Of course, I ate nothing BUT this all day because in my warped mind, as long as I didn't eat anything else then I wasn't getting an insane amount of calories (kind of like my "If weight-watchers chocolate cake snacks are only 1 point each and I get 24 points a day, can I just eat 24 weight watchers chocolate cake snacks?" question). Note to self: This is NOT a productive mindset at all.

I can't quite describe the nausea I am dealing with at this very moment. If I weren't obsessive about keeping track of my cycle, I'd think maybe I was pregnant and experiencing some seriously overwhelming morning sickness. But alas, it is just a billion grams of sugar trying to digest in my shell-shocked stomach. The stomach that has been so nicely adjusting to things like yogurt and grapenuts and apples and water and salads and smaller portions and reasonable amounts of sugar.

Seriously, I don't ever want to see a piece of chocolate again. And I really, really don't want to step on the scale tomorrow.